Since That Day...

Since that day, I cry myself to sleep almost every night.
Since that day, I don't know who can I talk to.
Since that day, I don't know what to believe anymore.
Since that day, I never have enough sleep.
Since that day, I blame myself every day.
Since that day, I tried everything to change.
Since that day, I don't have anymore self-confidence.
Since that day, I don't know who I am anymore.
Since that day, I put on a mask to face everyone including you.
Since that day, I pretend to be who I used to be.
Since that day, I lost everything.
Since that day, I understand.
Since that day, I believed everything will be different.
Since that day, I lost faith.
Since that day, I'm a different person.
Since that day, I'm lost.
Since that day, my heart never stopped bleeding.

It hurts me really bad. From that day, I can understand why people chose to be so stupid by choosing suicide because of such things.

Every single word you say, every single thing you do, I doubt. Can I trust you? Even if everything you told me was the truth, but you chose to lie from the very beginning. Every other things that you do behind me, your actions and vague explanations full with excuses and lies, tell me, what can I do to really trust you?

A friend asked me, '最基本的信任都没有，你觉得你自己还能和他在一起吗?' Honestly, I don't know how to answer. Everyone asked me, 'So, what you gonna do now?' I really don't know what to do. But still, you still chose to lie and hide the truth from me.

Finally, I tried my very best to forget everything. I tried my best to not care. I tried my best to not ask. Because I wanted to try giving us another chance. I gave you chances after chances to prove to me, but one after one, all I ever gotten back was disappointment and lies. I put in every effort I could to bring us back. I put in my every effort to show you I can try to accept everything that you did. What did I get in return? You come telling me in anger it was just a sudden crush that come and go just like before. Are you sure you want to compare the feelings of before and after we got together? A clap doesn't sound with only one hand.

I listened to you. I quietly, calmly, holding back all my feelings, listening to you. All I want is just what every other girl wants. Have you ever tried listening carefully to what I'm trying to say? In return, you fell asleep, you ignored me, you divert everything I say, and you even yelled at me saying, '你要知道真相来干吗，你知道了又一直哭，知道来作么？你问了很爽吗？' Why can't I know the truth? Why can't I ask? Is that the reason for why you kept lying to me again and again? I'm sorry that I can't hold my feelings. I'm sorry that I asked too much. I'm sorry that all I can do is just cry. Tell me, what can I do besides feeling so badly hurt and not being able to cry?

你问我为什么，我说没有事。我只想你知道，不是我不要告诉你，我不懂的怎样。我已经什么事再也不敢说了。因为你那番话告诉了我我再也没那个必要让你知道我的心在想什么，有多痛。我很想你知道，我接受不到。我不能不去想。每个晚上我只好哭累了，去睡，希望第二天就没事了。我真的不敢去想当我真的走了，会怎样？你口口声声的说不会再有第二次，但凡事有第一次就会有第饿二次。我每天看着你那么的高兴，我也配合。你我知道已经是不同了。我明白你现在所做的一切。我不怪你，我真的明白。这一切，我只好能怪我自己。你要说我扮大方，我要你知道我没有那个意思。

我知道我所说的这一切，有一位小姐会懂的她是我们的问题，但请问这位小姐，你觉得你真的很好吗？如过你有当做我是你的朋友的话，你一早就会散。关心朋友？过线了吧？废话少说。我们都是女人，没那个必要来说废话。我服了你，你赢我输。我知道你有读我的blog, but so what? Do ponder and start asking yourself, AS MY FRIEND, was it even necessary to do what you did? It's so kind of you is it? I'm a lady too, miss. Don't tell me you're just being friendly. I know I shouldn't have said all these to you, just want you to know to learn the limits of being a friend and HOW TO BE A FRIEND. If you think I'm being over sensitive, try putting you in my shoes and think for what have YOU done with MY boyfriend. so, ME, SENSITIVE? 希望你的良心过的去for你所做的一切。

而你宝贝，我有考虑过该不该publish这一个post, 因为所有人都会知道。我知道你爱面子，但对不起，我不是要丢你的面子，是我不懂还有那里我可以发泄了。你觉得我可做的过分了，那对不起。至少，我说的都是真话。真的很希望你能好好的去为了我们想一想，已经两个月了，你证明了什么？Do you even want to maintain us? Please do remember for how we started from friends to being a couple. I may be a bitchy girlfriend these few months, but that is my effort to save us. What about you?

I can let the whole world know I'm stupid, I'm a fool, I'm a bitch. I may be over the limits for saying all the above, but I believed I have the right to be angry. If not, tell me right in my fucking face. If you guys have anything to say, please leave your comments at the comment section below. Thank You. :)

P/S: For those who only reads from my side of story, please don't judge. I don't want people to think I'm asking for support. xD I just want to let out my feelings only. But, I don't mind suggestions for what can I do!