Probably I'm just a nobody. I tried in many ways to get back what I owned but I don't know why it just didn't work. Probably I should try committing suicide. I think that is when you will give a look on me and care for a moment and leave me after you're tired of it.
I really feel useless and dumb. Trust are filled with lies, faith are filled with fake emotions and promise are just wind that just come and go in seconds.
Well, it's dumb to even say the word "suicide". But at times, I understand for why people chose suicide than facing it.
I think I should go to bed and stop thinking. :)
Friday, October 28, 2011
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
I'm still alive!
I tried to update my blog last 2 weeks but I didn't complete typing. So here it goes today!
It has been 2 months since I last updated and also it has been 2 months since I'm in the States. I'm still alive here, no worries about that. I didn't post much about my life here. Studying here is pretty hectic so I don't have much time to relax. Even if I do have time, I just wanna rest and not sitting down in front of the laptop to think what to write in my blog. :)
Today, I chose to update my blog is not because that I'm free, I'm feeling totally down today which I got no idea why either. :( It's just a sudden feeling that rush to me this morning when I woke up. I told one of my seniors, he said it's normal at times. As we are living alone outside in a foreign world, we don't have anyone here and all by ourselves. During the period when you stress with assignments or exams coming up and you don't know where to go and who to talk to. Friends are busy with their things too and you wouldn't want to bother them. Family, well, you wouldn't want them to worry. As for boyfriend, well, probably the distance is causing problems too.
I'm lucky enough to have seniors here that took well care of me. From studies to choices, even to personal problems. I was having problems the other day where I broke down, everyone of them send me a personal message touched my heart. "Hope you're alright. If there's anything we can do, please let us know. Outside here, friends are family. We'll be there for you." That is really nice of them.
This week, I've got 3 tests, 3 days continuously. Even though there are tests, there will also be assignments due. Life is great as an engineer. All I ever did since I came here was study, study and study. As for business major students, all they do is party, party and party. The stress here is so enormous that you don't even know what to do besides studying when you have time. To enter the professional school in OSU, a 3.0 GPA will not guarantee you a place. Quota per year for students to enter professional school is only 100. Do the math and study your nuts out. If you think that is ridiculous, what about knowing that only 35% of the people manage to graduate out of here. Awesome, isn't it? :)
I've changed my major into a dual major, Mechanical and Aerospace Engineering (MAE). I'm just in sophomore year where I'm far behind already. If I succeed in going into professional school without any delay, I may graduate in 2014. So, wish me luck!
I'll try to update as frequent as possible!
It has been 2 months since I last updated and also it has been 2 months since I'm in the States. I'm still alive here, no worries about that. I didn't post much about my life here. Studying here is pretty hectic so I don't have much time to relax. Even if I do have time, I just wanna rest and not sitting down in front of the laptop to think what to write in my blog. :)
Today, I chose to update my blog is not because that I'm free, I'm feeling totally down today which I got no idea why either. :( It's just a sudden feeling that rush to me this morning when I woke up. I told one of my seniors, he said it's normal at times. As we are living alone outside in a foreign world, we don't have anyone here and all by ourselves. During the period when you stress with assignments or exams coming up and you don't know where to go and who to talk to. Friends are busy with their things too and you wouldn't want to bother them. Family, well, you wouldn't want them to worry. As for boyfriend, well, probably the distance is causing problems too.
I'm lucky enough to have seniors here that took well care of me. From studies to choices, even to personal problems. I was having problems the other day where I broke down, everyone of them send me a personal message touched my heart. "Hope you're alright. If there's anything we can do, please let us know. Outside here, friends are family. We'll be there for you." That is really nice of them.
This week, I've got 3 tests, 3 days continuously. Even though there are tests, there will also be assignments due. Life is great as an engineer. All I ever did since I came here was study, study and study. As for business major students, all they do is party, party and party. The stress here is so enormous that you don't even know what to do besides studying when you have time. To enter the professional school in OSU, a 3.0 GPA will not guarantee you a place. Quota per year for students to enter professional school is only 100. Do the math and study your nuts out. If you think that is ridiculous, what about knowing that only 35% of the people manage to graduate out of here. Awesome, isn't it? :)
I've changed my major into a dual major, Mechanical and Aerospace Engineering (MAE). I'm just in sophomore year where I'm far behind already. If I succeed in going into professional school without any delay, I may graduate in 2014. So, wish me luck!
I'll try to update as frequent as possible!
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Trust and Faith.
I seriously hate it every single time when you just pretend that nothing ever happened. Saying out all the things I don't wanna know. Seriously, is that it? Don't try to be stupid and say I would snap because of the truth. I've done my role as who you wanted me to be. If I still couldn't satisfy your needs, I'm sorry.
No matter where am I, FML.
I can't do anything, can I? :) Teach me what to do besides having trust and faith.
No matter where am I, FML.
I can't do anything, can I? :) Teach me what to do besides having trust and faith.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Greetings from USA!
Greetings from the States. :) I'm doing fine here, beside being homesick and missing my friends and family, I'm overall fine.
I finally touched down here in Oklahoma on the August 13 after sitting 24 hours of flight. 2 transits, 5 hours each. In total, 34 hours. I'm dead when I touched down. Reached Oklahoma City, I have to hop in a car for another an hour and half to reach Stillwater, where my university is located. GOSH! Since then, my backbone has been killing me. Salonpas saved me a little. :)
I'm in here for a week now. Got to know my seniors and some new friends. The orientation here is super boring. From what Desmond says, international orientation sucks. HAHA! The food is here is OK for me. Nice food here are fast food. Asian food is like those normal hawker food back in Malaysia. All of their food are salty and sweet. GOSH! Now I know why are they fat and have so much problems with their body system. The great thing here is, the Subway here serve pork! :D They got more choices here, not as boring as Malaysia. Overall, the food here is not as good as what we have back home. I'm just here for a week, so it's still too early to judge.
I went for an interview to work on campus just now. It's so different from the interview we have. :) It's a new experience for me tho. Let's just cross our fingers that I can get the job to cover my expenses. They pay really good money. I work on the front desk in stadium dining, they pay like 8.50 dollars an hour. Not forgetting, I'm getting my tips too. I have to work at least 10 hours on game days, so let's just do the math. Convert that back to Malaysian Ringgit, it's like RM 300 a day at least. Hope I get to work more hours next time.
The things here are cheap if we don't convert back to Malaysian Ringgit. :) I spent less than 300 dollars to get everything. Laundry bag, shoes, clothes, kettles, bed sheets, pillow, electronics; the necessity you need to survive here is cheap! Except for the food if we do the conversion. HAHA!
I met my housemates, both from Tulsa, Oklahoma. I don't have a roommate yet, so it's great to have a room all by yourself. I need to socialize more. I want to find more hot 'ang moh' so I can look forward to something. :P Sorry baby, you know I still love you the most! ♥
I think that's about my life here currently. I'll try to upload some pictures soon. My classes are starting on the August 22. Hope I could cope. Gonna make my parents proud. :) That's bout it. Heading to the gym to make me look hotter. :P I'll try to update more often!
PS: The weather here is killing me! It's 5.30pm and it's like 12-1pm where the sun is scorching hot out there back in Malaysia! OH GOD, KILL ME!
I finally touched down here in Oklahoma on the August 13 after sitting 24 hours of flight. 2 transits, 5 hours each. In total, 34 hours. I'm dead when I touched down. Reached Oklahoma City, I have to hop in a car for another an hour and half to reach Stillwater, where my university is located. GOSH! Since then, my backbone has been killing me. Salonpas saved me a little. :)
I'm in here for a week now. Got to know my seniors and some new friends. The orientation here is super boring. From what Desmond says, international orientation sucks. HAHA! The food is here is OK for me. Nice food here are fast food. Asian food is like those normal hawker food back in Malaysia. All of their food are salty and sweet. GOSH! Now I know why are they fat and have so much problems with their body system. The great thing here is, the Subway here serve pork! :D They got more choices here, not as boring as Malaysia. Overall, the food here is not as good as what we have back home. I'm just here for a week, so it's still too early to judge.
I went for an interview to work on campus just now. It's so different from the interview we have. :) It's a new experience for me tho. Let's just cross our fingers that I can get the job to cover my expenses. They pay really good money. I work on the front desk in stadium dining, they pay like 8.50 dollars an hour. Not forgetting, I'm getting my tips too. I have to work at least 10 hours on game days, so let's just do the math. Convert that back to Malaysian Ringgit, it's like RM 300 a day at least. Hope I get to work more hours next time.
The things here are cheap if we don't convert back to Malaysian Ringgit. :) I spent less than 300 dollars to get everything. Laundry bag, shoes, clothes, kettles, bed sheets, pillow, electronics; the necessity you need to survive here is cheap! Except for the food if we do the conversion. HAHA!
I met my housemates, both from Tulsa, Oklahoma. I don't have a roommate yet, so it's great to have a room all by yourself. I need to socialize more. I want to find more hot 'ang moh' so I can look forward to something. :P Sorry baby, you know I still love you the most! ♥
I think that's about my life here currently. I'll try to upload some pictures soon. My classes are starting on the August 22. Hope I could cope. Gonna make my parents proud. :) That's bout it. Heading to the gym to make me look hotter. :P I'll try to update more often!
PS: The weather here is killing me! It's 5.30pm and it's like 12-1pm where the sun is scorching hot out there back in Malaysia! OH GOD, KILL ME!
Tuesday, August 09, 2011
Sleepless Night.
Another sleepless night.
I'm feeling tired but just couldn't go to bed. There's just too much going on in my brain.
How to stop your brain from thinking? Seriously, FML.
I'm feeling tired but just couldn't go to bed. There's just too much going on in my brain.
How to stop your brain from thinking? Seriously, FML.
Saturday, August 06, 2011
Since That Day...
Since that day, I cry myself to sleep almost every night.
Since that day, I don't know who can I talk to.
Since that day, I don't know what to believe anymore.
Since that day, I never have enough sleep.
Since that day, I blame myself every day.
Since that day, I tried everything to change.
Since that day, I don't have anymore self-confidence.
Since that day, I don't know who I am anymore.
Since that day, I put on a mask to face everyone including you.
Since that day, I pretend to be who I used to be.
Since that day, I lost everything.
Since that day, I understand.
Since that day, I believed everything will be different.
Since that day, I lost faith.
Since that day, I'm a different person.
Since that day, I'm lost.
Since that day, my heart never stopped bleeding.
It hurts me really bad. From that day, I can understand why people chose to be so stupid by choosing suicide because of such things.
Every single word you say, every single thing you do, I doubt. Can I trust you? Even if everything you told me was the truth, but you chose to lie from the very beginning. Every other things that you do behind me, your actions and vague explanations full with excuses and lies, tell me, what can I do to really trust you?
A friend asked me, '最基本的信任都没有，你觉得你自己还能和他在一起吗?' Honestly, I don't know how to answer. Everyone asked me, 'So, what you gonna do now?' I really don't know what to do. But still, you still chose to lie and hide the truth from me.
Finally, I tried my very best to forget everything. I tried my best to not care. I tried my best to not ask. Because I wanted to try giving us another chance. I gave you chances after chances to prove to me, but one after one, all I ever gotten back was disappointment and lies. I put in every effort I could to bring us back. I put in my every effort to show you I can try to accept everything that you did. What did I get in return? You come telling me in anger it was just a sudden crush that come and go just like before. Are you sure you want to compare the feelings of before and after we got together? A clap doesn't sound with only one hand.
I listened to you. I quietly, calmly, holding back all my feelings, listening to you. All I want is just what every other girl wants. Have you ever tried listening carefully to what I'm trying to say? In return, you fell asleep, you ignored me, you divert everything I say, and you even yelled at me saying, '你要知道真相来干吗，你知道了又一直哭，知道来作么？你问了很爽吗？' Why can't I know the truth? Why can't I ask? Is that the reason for why you kept lying to me again and again? I'm sorry that I can't hold my feelings. I'm sorry that I asked too much. I'm sorry that all I can do is just cry. Tell me, what can I do besides feeling so badly hurt and not being able to cry?
你问我为什么，我说没有事。我只想你知道，不是我不要告诉你，我不懂的怎样。我已经什么事再也不敢说了。因为你那番话告诉了我我再也没那个必要让你知道我的心在想什么，有多痛。我很想你知道，我接受不到。我不能不去想。每个晚上我只好哭累了，去睡，希望第二天就没事了。我真的不敢去想当我真的走了，会怎样？你口口声声的说不会再有第二次，但凡事有第一次就会有第饿二次。我每天看着你那么的高兴，我也配合。你我知道已经是不同了。我明白你现在所做的一切。我不怪你，我真的明白。这一切，我只好能怪我自己。你要说我扮大方，我要你知道我没有那个意思。
我知道我所说的这一切，有一位小姐会懂的她是我们的问题，但请问这位小姐，你觉得你真的很好吗？如过你有当做我是你的朋友的话，你一早就会散。关心朋友？过线了吧？废话少说。我们都是女人，没那个必要来说废话。我服了你，你赢我输。我知道你有读我的blog, but so what? Do ponder and start asking yourself, AS MY FRIEND, was it even necessary to do what you did? It's so kind of you is it? I'm a lady too, miss. Don't tell me you're just being friendly. I know I shouldn't have said all these to you, just want you to know to learn the limits of being a friend and HOW TO BE A FRIEND. If you think I'm being over sensitive, try putting you in my shoes and think for what have YOU done with MY boyfriend. so, ME, SENSITIVE? 希望你的良心过的去for你所做的一切。
而你宝贝，我有考虑过该不该publish这一个post, 因为所有人都会知道。我知道你爱面子，但对不起，我不是要丢你的面子，是我不懂还有那里我可以发泄了。你觉得我可做的过分了，那对不起。至少，我说的都是真话。真的很希望你能好好的去为了我们想一想，已经两个月了，你证明了什么？Do you even want to maintain us? Please do remember for how we started from friends to being a couple. I may be a bitchy girlfriend these few months, but that is my effort to save us. What about you?
I can let the whole world know I'm stupid, I'm a fool, I'm a bitch. I may be over the limits for saying all the above, but I believed I have the right to be angry. If not, tell me right in my fucking face. If you guys have anything to say, please leave your comments at the comment section below. Thank You. :)
P/S: For those who only reads from my side of story, please don't judge. I don't want people to think I'm asking for support. xD I just want to let out my feelings only. But, I don't mind suggestions for what can I do!
Since that day, I don't know who can I talk to.
Since that day, I don't know what to believe anymore.
Since that day, I never have enough sleep.
Since that day, I blame myself every day.
Since that day, I tried everything to change.
Since that day, I don't have anymore self-confidence.
Since that day, I don't know who I am anymore.
Since that day, I put on a mask to face everyone including you.
Since that day, I pretend to be who I used to be.
Since that day, I lost everything.
Since that day, I understand.
Since that day, I believed everything will be different.
Since that day, I lost faith.
Since that day, I'm a different person.
Since that day, I'm lost.
Since that day, my heart never stopped bleeding.
It hurts me really bad. From that day, I can understand why people chose to be so stupid by choosing suicide because of such things.
Every single word you say, every single thing you do, I doubt. Can I trust you? Even if everything you told me was the truth, but you chose to lie from the very beginning. Every other things that you do behind me, your actions and vague explanations full with excuses and lies, tell me, what can I do to really trust you?
A friend asked me, '最基本的信任都没有，你觉得你自己还能和他在一起吗?' Honestly, I don't know how to answer. Everyone asked me, 'So, what you gonna do now?' I really don't know what to do. But still, you still chose to lie and hide the truth from me.
Finally, I tried my very best to forget everything. I tried my best to not care. I tried my best to not ask. Because I wanted to try giving us another chance. I gave you chances after chances to prove to me, but one after one, all I ever gotten back was disappointment and lies. I put in every effort I could to bring us back. I put in my every effort to show you I can try to accept everything that you did. What did I get in return? You come telling me in anger it was just a sudden crush that come and go just like before. Are you sure you want to compare the feelings of before and after we got together? A clap doesn't sound with only one hand.
I listened to you. I quietly, calmly, holding back all my feelings, listening to you. All I want is just what every other girl wants. Have you ever tried listening carefully to what I'm trying to say? In return, you fell asleep, you ignored me, you divert everything I say, and you even yelled at me saying, '你要知道真相来干吗，你知道了又一直哭，知道来作么？你问了很爽吗？' Why can't I know the truth? Why can't I ask? Is that the reason for why you kept lying to me again and again? I'm sorry that I can't hold my feelings. I'm sorry that I asked too much. I'm sorry that all I can do is just cry. Tell me, what can I do besides feeling so badly hurt and not being able to cry?
你问我为什么，我说没有事。我只想你知道，不是我不要告诉你，我不懂的怎样。我已经什么事再也不敢说了。因为你那番话告诉了我我再也没那个必要让你知道我的心在想什么，有多痛。我很想你知道，我接受不到。我不能不去想。每个晚上我只好哭累了，去睡，希望第二天就没事了。我真的不敢去想当我真的走了，会怎样？你口口声声的说不会再有第二次，但凡事有第一次就会有第饿二次。我每天看着你那么的高兴，我也配合。你我知道已经是不同了。我明白你现在所做的一切。我不怪你，我真的明白。这一切，我只好能怪我自己。你要说我扮大方，我要你知道我没有那个意思。
我知道我所说的这一切，有一位小姐会懂的她是我们的问题，但请问这位小姐，你觉得你真的很好吗？如过你有当做我是你的朋友的话，你一早就会散。关心朋友？过线了吧？废话少说。我们都是女人，没那个必要来说废话。我服了你，你赢我输。我知道你有读我的blog, but so what? Do ponder and start asking yourself, AS MY FRIEND, was it even necessary to do what you did? It's so kind of you is it? I'm a lady too, miss. Don't tell me you're just being friendly. I know I shouldn't have said all these to you, just want you to know to learn the limits of being a friend and HOW TO BE A FRIEND. If you think I'm being over sensitive, try putting you in my shoes and think for what have YOU done with MY boyfriend. so, ME, SENSITIVE? 希望你的良心过的去for你所做的一切。
而你宝贝，我有考虑过该不该publish这一个post, 因为所有人都会知道。我知道你爱面子，但对不起，我不是要丢你的面子，是我不懂还有那里我可以发泄了。你觉得我可做的过分了，那对不起。至少，我说的都是真话。真的很希望你能好好的去为了我们想一想，已经两个月了，你证明了什么？Do you even want to maintain us? Please do remember for how we started from friends to being a couple. I may be a bitchy girlfriend these few months, but that is my effort to save us. What about you?
I can let the whole world know I'm stupid, I'm a fool, I'm a bitch. I may be over the limits for saying all the above, but I believed I have the right to be angry. If not, tell me right in my fucking face. If you guys have anything to say, please leave your comments at the comment section below. Thank You. :)
P/S: For those who only reads from my side of story, please don't judge. I don't want people to think I'm asking for support. xD I just want to let out my feelings only. But, I don't mind suggestions for what can I do!
Ctrl + Alt + Del
How I wish I could have a DELETE button connected to my brain. Just like the computers; browse folders, useless files, delete, empty recycle bin. *POOOOFFF!* FOREVER GONE! How amazing. :D There's always a but, so, but we created computers to substitute us.
I tried to create a DELETE button for myself too, but I failed. :( What can I do to erase certain things I don't wish to have? I've tried each and every way, none of it work. Oh well...
Well, it only happens if there is only if. :)
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